How to identify a Latino
You know you are a Latino (or Latina), if:
1. You have ever been spanked with chancletas.
2. You have later been spanked with la correa, or the plancha chord.
3. You know your mom is sneaking up on you because you can hear her chancletas on the linoleum floor.
4. Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner and you only live in a one bedroom apartment.
5. You can get to your house blindfolded by the smell of the chuletas.
6. You light a candle the night of the Lotto drawing.
7. You get scared whenever someone mentions el cucuuuuiii or el cuuuuuco.
8. You have gone to the Pulga every weekend for years. Two points if you actually enjoyed it!)
9. You have gone to Titi's house and passed through the beaded curtain in the living room.
10. You step into a house that has all those little figurines taking up every inch of space on/under the TV and you have a porcelain cat, dog, Buddha or elephant in your livingroom.
11. You have plastic slipcovers on your sofas.
12. You swear Choco Mil is the same as Slim Fast and try to lose weight by drinking it.
13. You have a perpetually drunk uncle.
14. You know at least one person in your family named María, Carlos, Papo, Juan, José, Tony, Tito or Luis.
15. You not only know who Don Francisco from Sabado Gigante is, but you tell people he's your tío.
16. You have ever had to beepiar a friend on his or her pager.
17. You have told your kid not to walk the floor barefoot or they'll catch a cold.
18. You go to a wedding or quiencienera, gossip about how bad the comida is, but be the first to take a plato to go.
19. You drink all beer with limon and salt. (Two extra points for a splash of Tapatio)
20. You have a chola in your barrio named La Flaca: who's bigger than a house.
21. You have a cousin named Guero who's darker than night.
22. You know a chola named La Shy Girl who is loud and obnoxious.
23. You've tried to bring a mango back to the US from Mexico, and a bonus point if you actually made it all the way home with it.
24. You have sat in a two-passenger car with over seven people in it.
25. You have at least 2 statues of saints in your house (and a bonus point if one of them La Virgen de Guadalupe, or Santa Barbara).
26. You draw others' attention by saying chhh chhh or Pssssst.
27. You drive a Cheby (Chevy), an Ohsmobeel (Oldsmobile) or a Bolswahgon (VolksWagon).
28. You call all sneakers, tennis shoes.
29. Your car has fifteen speakers in it and you fix it every weekend.
30. You swear a malta is a drink of the kings.
31. You are still afraid to open that umbrella in your house.
32. You always try to find out what town another fellow Hispanic's family is from even though you have no idea where that town could possibly be.
33. You call a rug, Carpeta; typing, tipiar; parking, parkear; stress, estress; library, libreria (instead of biblioteca); or, to knock, knockiar.
34. You need a cup of coffee after every meal.
35. Your sister has more mustache hair than your father.
36. One of your aunts or your mom weighs over 300 lbs.
37. Your cousins are delinquents.
38. You think Cristina beats Oprah any day.
39. Your uncle owns more gold than a jewelry store.
40. You have your country's flag hanging from your rear-view mirror.
41. Your mom made you keep lettuce under your bed the night before the Three Kings' Day so that the camels had something to eat and the leave you a gift in return.
42. Your family never lets you forget the day you missed Mother's Day.
43. You can dance Cumbias and Salsa without music.
44. You need to point out how much something you just bought cost.
45. You attend at least 3 weddings a year.
46. You have a picture of Jesucristo in your house.
47. You have a bottle of Bacardi in your house right now.
48. You just cannot imagine anyone not liking Spanish food.
49. You dread those boring stays with family in the campo.
50. You refuse to use el diario for anything but reading, except, maybe, as the only proper way of wrapping fish.
51. You can speak with your face: For example, you twitch your nose like a rabbit to ask, what do you want.
52. You do that funny, pointing thing with your nose and if the other people doesn't understand you, you use your lips for emphasis.
53. You are an adult and you are still forced to be with your family by midnight every New Year's eve.
54. You think your name begins like this: Ave Maria Purisima.
55. You walk around saying, chacho or chacha or ay bendito.
56. Your mom has put a balled-up piece of thread on your baby cousin's forehead to stop her hiccups.
57. You have at least thirty cousins.
58. You are 50 years old and you still call your parents, mami y papi.
59. You start clapping every time your plane lands on the runway.
And last, but not least...
60. Your grandmother thinks she has the miracle cure for everything.
This joke is from the collection at www.usaone.net/jokenet.
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Learning Spanish is definitely a neccessity for me. What do you suggest?
good job..well done i've fetured you in my carnival..keep up the good work..jim
I stubled onto this post after you left a comment on my blog. My mother is Hispanic and straight out of Old Mexico. I never got the chance to learn Spanish(I was raised by my dad who is a white boy) I am probably the whitest mexican that you will ever meet and I found this post to be funny and true. I am trying to learn Spanish and I am glad that I found your site. I am going to bookmark it.
okay, that had me laughing.
I have a lot of latina and latino friends so I have been sharing your blog with them.
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Enjoyed your blog. I'm trying to pick up a little Spanish.
I am a fluent spanish speaker and this site is great! Thanks for spreading the love of your language.
Aliza Green is a chef, food writer, and teacher based in Philadelphia. She's the author of Field Guide to Produce (Quirk, 2004), Field Guide to Meat (Quirk, 2005), Field Guide to Herbs & Spices (Quirk, 2006), and Starting with Ingredients, and coauthor of the James Beard Award-winning cookbook Ceviche!: Seafood, Salads, and Cocktails with a Latino Twist.
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